


a piece of your heart

by imnotanironwall



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 11:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21135914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotanironwall/pseuds/imnotanironwall
Summary: Over the years, Xemnas slowly start to fall in love with Saïx -- but are those feelings really his?[Basically, a compilation of moments from Xemnas' life and the fact that there is, indeed, a heart in his chest.]





	a piece of your heart

He appeared in a whirlwind of shadows, clinging to his body like tendrils and leaving dark smears on his skin as he pushed through them. He did not offer them a single glance. 

He awakened to nothing, no one. He wasn't offered a name or a note, neither a heart the shadows had been begging for. He was empty, a mere husk for a greater plan, a piece on a board game. Power overflowed, barely contained in this shell of flesh, clawing at untouched skin in vain. 

He knew, within the void, that he came to be for a reason. And, as the light pierced through the darkness and he walked into a savaged laboratory, his purpose became clear to him. He offered his hands to the sky and, in a voice that wasn't quite yet his, he drawled: "Kingdom Hearts… You will be mine."

* * *

The future, as he learned in his many years of existence, as he remembered from his past self, is written and predestined. As the members of the Organisation become relentless and impatient, he stays calm. He knows he will get his hands on Kingdom Hearts, no matter the wait. 

And his patience is soon rewarded, when Number Seven, who’s rigidity and impassivity rival his own, comes to him one evening.

“The keyblade wielder will soon reach Castle Oblivion,” he starts, barely looking up from the report in his hands. “Vexen has made sufficient progress that he claims the first replica will be operating when the wielder makes it to the Castle.”

“Good, let the boy come to us.” After a beat, he adds. “I trust you to take care of any interference some… insurgents could cause. _ Nothing _will get in my way.”

Saïx nods, a low hum his only audible answer before he exits. Xemnas catches a glimpse of long blue hair before it disappears, so much paler in the night’s light, and before he knows it, his feet have brought him down hundreds of stairs and his eyes lay upon an empty armor thrown to the ground. 

He looks at it from afar, eyes narrowed as the darkness boils inside his chest. The Somebody he once was knew the person it belonged to, but the name escapes him again. The name, on the tip of his tongue, is the key to unlocking immense power -- and he will find it, no matter how long it takes.

❣

_ "I made us good luck charms." The voice is feminine, familiar, yet unrecognizable. Xemnas looks to his right and he sees nothing but floating islands. The night sky stretches as far as the eye can see and more, illuminated with countless stars that shine each brighter than the next. _

_ Something falls into his right hand and he startles, unlike himself. The object is blurry, indistinct, _ small_, it fits easily between his fingers. The light catches on it, gleaming like any other star, and something in him stirs at the sight -- familiar, too, yet weirdly out of reach. _

_ " _ _ I did work a little magic on it," the voice speaks once more, and he remembers now he is not alone. _

_ A louder voice shouts. "Really? What?" And it hurts, somewhere in his chest; the grief of a promise unkept. He looks for the individual, but the shape is indiscernible. _

_ A soft laugh reaches his ears and he desperately looks for its source, something, somewhere, more tangible than an indistinguishable silhouette. But he finds nothing. The laugh echoes once more and he is met with the remembrance of a kind smile and a voice filled with love. "An unbreakable connection," she answers. _

_ The field is filled with stars, slowly fading one by one until three, then two, remain. They drift apart and the smaller one blinks away. The last one fades too, slowly, as if to put on a show, to tell him something. _

_ The last thing he sees his flowing blue hair. _

_ His chest screams. _

❣

The Organisation is no more. 

Kingdom Hearts had been nearly complete, its power already filling the emptiness of his body and making him into _someone_. And nothing, no one should have been able to stop him. Yet, as he watched the last member of the Organisation fall, he was overcome with a sharp pain that suffocated him. He did not need to breathe, but he felt out of breath. He did not have a heart, but he felt it tighten and cry. 

Inexplicably, he mourned the death of the Luna Diviner. 

And soon after, as quickly and as unexpectedly as it had come, it disappeared. Kingdom Hearts' light faded, shattered into a million shards, hearts slipping through his fingers as he desperately reached for them. 

His demise began to the hands of one who should have been no more. He disappeared to the strikes of cold metal against him, a column of darkness descending onto him to bring him back where he belonged. 

The Organisation is no more.

❣

_ The sun is setting over the ocean, which shines in yellow and orange. A light breeze caresses his skin as his feet sink into the warm sand and the smell that tingles his nose is one he knows. He has been here, once, looking at this exact same sun setting over the horizon, a promise of a bigger world, a destiny. And in a way, he was born there, too. _

_ However, what was once home, what _he _called his home, is... different. New yet familiar. He can see it in the small changes: the wood of the dock is worn out in some places, has been replaced in others. There are new buildings too, where it was once but lone, lost and unoccupied. But the paopu tree is still there, hanging over the island, star-shaped fruits falling into the water below. A link, to someone, somewhere -- the fruit of so many legends. _

_ Laughter echoes. Footsteps rapidly approaching and passing by. “Hey. Did you come from the outside world?” _

_ He turns around, meets bright blue eyes and short silver hair. The kid doesn’t wait for his answer, he walks and stops next to him, gaze cast far away. “I heard once there was a kid who left for good. I bet he’s really strong now.” _

_ Xemnas hums. The scene screams of déjà-vu but he can’t quite pinpoint why; _ he _surely never had that conversation. “I wanna be strong one day, too.” The kid smiles to the horizon. “I know it’s out there somewhere-- the strength that I need.” _

_ Despite his best efforts, he can’t take his eyes away from the child. He _knows _him, somehow. And before he can even think about it, his mouth moves too. “The strength for what?” His voice is foreign, the words are not. _

_ Before he can get his answer, the ocean rises, fast, fast, too fast, too high. The child disappears, drown by the sea, and soon after he follows. The water submerges the island, waves crashing against buildings and trees. The light vanishes too, engulfed by the raging storm that strikes above the surface. _

_ He blinks as he sinks, his body unmoving, unwilling to, and he watches as bubbles escape him, chasing the surface. Suddenly, a weight in his back pocket is lifted and he sees, bright yellow and star-shaped, a paopu fruit floating up as he sinks still. He tries to reach for it but it slips through his fingers; a hand, small, petite, reach for him through the darkness, a voice resonates in his head. “To protect the things that matter.” _

❣

Xehanort, the _real _ Master Xehanort, brings him back. His body, which was once of literal and intangible darkness, his person, now stands on his own two feet. His own, and yet, the presence of _ someone else _ is stronger. As it should, he rationalizes, he is but a mere vessel for the Master now, and it has always been as such, only stronger now.

Nevertheless, as he steps out of the laboratory where he was reborn, he feels a ping deep inside his chest -- one that has always been there, one that has been hidden, calling for him for all those years, one that is, too, stronger now.

❣

He dreams. He dreams more than ever before. It comes in waves, surprising him in the dead of night, where the darkness should be the strongest, where he should be the most at ease. It comes in flashes of laughter and soft blue hair, of the feeling of fingers against his nape and of a kiss pressed to his shoulder. The body his hands explore is unknown to him, to _ Xemnas_, but not to the one the fingers belong to. The love he feels for the one he beds is powerful, uncontrollable, and he sometimes wakes up and longs for that touch, that feeling. 

He does not speak of those dreams to Master Xehanort. Or to anyone else, for that matter. He does not even dare think about them, less the Master catches a whiff of his thought. They are all connected now, in a way, a thread linking all their empty imitation of a body - he can't trust anyone but himself to properly hide them. He cannot allow those dreams to be seen or known by anyone else. 

Instead, he finds comfort where he is allowed to. The hair is longer, the arms are stronger, and the smell of perfume and petrichor is replaced by the scent of burnt gunpowder and sea salt. They embrace each other in the quiet of the night, bodies close to one another, and sometimes he imagines golden eyes turn emerald when they look up to him through long eyelashes.

They do not talk, not before, nor after. They simply lay next to each other, their back turn to the other, and close their eyes until Morpheus takes them away. 

❣

Where he seeks comfort, he finds more dreams, more vivid as the days go by. That name on the tip of his tongue, just out of reach. And one night, in those same dreams, that voice calls for him, with hope and love. 

“_ Terra _!”

He suddenly sits up, eyes opening to the enveloping darkness, a cold sweat dripping down his bare chest. He is breathless, the semblance of a heart pounding against his ribcage. The sensations are alien, odd. The world is blurred around the edge of his vision and he can’t seem to be able to quiet down his ragged breathing, the building panic in his throat. 

He knew, of course, that he wasn't the intended recipient of that affection. He knew, without a doubt, that those never were his own memories. He had never had an existence of his own, he had only been borrowing memories and gestures from the one that had given him life. Him and another. 

From the very beginning, the pull towards that lifeless armor he called a friend, those dreams, it had all come from that other. Terra. From the very beginning, _ Terra _ had wanted to live through him, _ Terra _ had wanted to save _ his _ friends. 

Of course, Xemnas hadn't grown a heart on his own. His bouts of emotions, they had all been memories of Terra's. _ What a fool_. 

Suddenly, a warm hand brushes against his cold skin, startling him. Xemnas turns around, pure light emanating from his palms, ready to strike whoever had disturbed him, but he is met with the most unharmful figure. There, on the bed he had never left, slept Saïx. Midnight blue hair cascading down his face, eyes closed and mouth slightly opened, habit burnt into his system despite the decades. He shifts again, fingertips pressing against Xemnas's lower back, thumb rubbing soothing circles -- unconscious, defenseless, _ caring_; Xemnas feels the ghost of a heart hammering in his chest at the sight, warmth spreading through his body and making him feel… loved. And, for a brief second, it feels true. 

If only it wasn't all because of Terra's heart. 

His blood boils- disappointed, confused. Brows furrow, he gets up and leaves without a second glance. 

❣

Time flies. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. The battle draws near. 

Contrary to the previous encounter he had with the Keyblade Wielders, Xemnas now is sure they won’t lose. While he may have been reckless, as hard as it is to admit it, Master Xehanort has not left anything to the mercy of fate. They _will _win. They are prepared. The new world is theirs.

Yet, things don’t go as planned. Traitors, oh so many, once-trusted allies changing sides for the light. And as he watches, high on his pillar, as the Organisation falls once more, he frowns. Surely, it is all part of the plan. Surely, they are winning, despite the numbers of guardians of light growing bigger. They have back up, they _must _have.

But as a metal keyblade pierces through his body, and as the shadows reach for the sky, for the second time in his life, he realizes he had never been part of the final plan. He looks, hopelessly, as his fading hands. “Bested… yet again…”

The high-pitched voice of a child, too strong, responsibilities too heavy for his age, calls to him. “Xemnas! I know that you have a heart. What do you feel? Was it worth it?”

He looks down, where his companions fell moments ago. Where he learned of the betrayal of one he _cherished_. Where Terra became whole again, and the piece of his heart left in Xemnas returned to him. Does he truly have a heart of his own? He doubts it. There is only pain and hurt where his heart should be.

“I feel… the emptiness where my companions once stood. I took them for granted,” he drawls. His fingers curl into fists and he brings them to his chest. The ache throbbing deeper and deeper, as if searching to even hurt his soul. He sighs. “And now, I have… nothing.”

The world turns hazy, whisps of darkness escaping his being. He shudders. The end draws near, he can feel it. If he truly has a heart, like the child claims, then none of this was worth it. He doesn’t want to feel anymore. “ _My_ first surge of emotions in years… for as long as I can remember… and it’s… loneliness,” he struggles around the words, throat tightening around each and every labored breath. He turns around, facing the immense pillar where Master Xehanort stands, high, uncaring. _ He always knew_. “Do you see? A heart is just pain.”

Distantly, he hears. “Pain is being human, Xemnas.” And how much did Sora grow, he realizes.

He smiles, echoes of a younger voice come to mind, talks of strength to protect what matters -- he failed, yet again, more greatly than ever. He was but a pawn on a board, Xehanort’s, and possibly Saïx’s too. He was but a stepping stone to much grander goals. Nevertheless, _ he _could have managed to acquire a heart? _ He _ could have become human?

He wants to laugh. How naïve he had been to wish for exactly such a thing. He looks up at the sky one last time, watching as grey clouds cover an, he knows, immensely bright sky. He closes his eyes. “Really?” His voice breaks. “It must take… incredible strength…”

* * *

Unexplainably, he opens his eyes once more. 

He sits in a sparkling white room, hears the buzzing sound of machines and the hushed whispers of people. He notices long white coats in his peripheric vision, as his eyes slowly accustom to the light. There are heels clacking on cold metal ground and hurried footsteps approaching. His throat is dry, his head hurts, there’s a definite lack of darkness shielding him and the distinct and rhythmic beat of _ something _in his chest.

Before he can fully open his mouth to speak up, a warm hand slides against his cheek and his sight fills with familiar and comforting midnight blue. He blinks, confused, betrayed, but_ hopeful_. _Loving_. 

“Xemnas.” The shape of a smile. Glistening emerald eyes. A kiss to his mouth. A sincere apology. A lover's name lost on his lips. 

  
The missing piece to his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I was planning something entirely different but this is what happened. I'll write something a little happier next time (i.e, soft porn). For now, I wanted to play a little with the fact that Xemnas is Terranort's Nobody, so technically he should have as much of Terra's memories than Xehanort's [and I love terraqua, I couldn't not have them in love]. I also couldn't stop myself from making a connection between Xemnas and Riku, since both Terra and Ansem were strongly connected to him too. I really enjoyed writing everything and using canon here and there.
> 
> If you like my work, please leave a kudos or a comment! 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/imnotanironwall) \- [carrd](https://imnotanironwall.carrd.co/)


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